Because I was Afraid

© Jessica Wild 12-10-10

“I am going to ask you a question.” She says to me. “And when I ask you, there will be one answer that pops into your head first. There will be more that want to come in after that… I only want to hear the first answer. And I want you to blurt it out as you think of it.” “Okay…” I think, “I can do this. Simple.” Breathe.

She is my marriage counselor. She is also the woman who trained me to be a hypnotherapist and gave me the gift of Reiki. She taught me how to quiet my mind and listen. I love her. It is near the end of my 12 year marriage. I am newly pregnant. My soon to be ex-husband and I are trying YET again (the fourth time) to see if we can or should continue trying to make a marriage work that wasn’t worth saving to begin with. He sees her one week, I see her the next, and then we see her together. It is my turn today. She has me close my eyes and reminds me again that I am to blurt my answer with no thought. I assure her I understand.

It is quiet then. She allows me time to clear my mind and find my own inner silent place… then she asks me simply “Jessica, why did you marry him?”

The answer that comes from my lips literally stops my heart for a moment. It speaks volumes as to where I was when I married him and where I still was 12 years later. My voice comes out laced heavily with the sob that immediately follows. “Because I was afraid no one else would ask.” And as it escapes my lips I am slammed to the core of my being with sorrow and shame.

How did I come to THIS PLACE? That I not only GOT married but STAYED married for 12 years… ONLY because…. “I was afraid no one else would ask.” When did I become the woman who lived my life with that much fear of the future? When did I become the woman that believed I had to take the first thing offered to me, even if it was stale bread? When did I decide to devalue myself so much that I married a man I didn’t love …BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID NO ONE ELSE WOULD ASK??

My counselor sits silently as I sob. I begin to voice all of the questions in my head. They are punctuated with snot and tears and long painful moments that I can’t breathe.

After a few long moments of silence and breathing I look up at her and say, “What do I do now? I don’t know what to do!” She looked at me with the loving eyes of a wise old grandmother and said “Yes you do. You are just so scared you can’t admit it.” She pauses for my mind to process then adds “Jessica. You have been parked on the side of the road in a mud bog for 12 years. It’s time to move now. It’s time to get on the road… your life is waiting. You have greatness in you. Stop hiding.” I look down and cover my face with a handful of tissues and say “I CAN’T DO THIS! I don’t know how, I am not that smart. Nothing I have to say means anything to anyone…” I gush all of my fears at her feet. I purged. I realize now, that I was in transition again. I was at a place in my life spiritually that I could no longer deny, that I was living a life completely devoid of authenticity. I was practicing a religion that hadn’t resonated with me in 10 years. I was living in a loveless marriage that was, on every outward appearance, perfect; and I knew that I had something to say, but I had NO IDEA what.

I still don’t. Really… I have NO IDEA what I am doing! *laugh*

All I know is that I have lived an amazing, vivid, sad, beautiful, happy, terrifying, incredible, miraculous life. And I don’t think it is over, I think it is just beginning. While I hope and want to believe is that something I might say or present an analogy on might help someone learn a lesson or understand a concept or discover a way to find their OWN authenticity. Because while it SUCKS to grow into, in the moments you can really feel it… really connect with that divine within you… that Authentic Self. It is AMAZING. I have FELT that… that moment that you say… mostly to yourself…“SCREW it!!! This is who I am and I will not apologize. I am weird, I floss my teeth every day, I have total blonde moments and yet I am usually pretty smart. I am loud and bold and occasionally stupid. But you know what… I am better today than I was 15 years ago. And maybe, just maybe I have learned a few lessons. So bite me… I am me. And that is just fine. You can love me or hate me. I am okay with either.”

I always appreciate the way the universe hits me between the eyes with a 4x4. I try not to wait so long to learn the lesson… sometimes clue-by-4’s hurt. Especially between the eyes.

There is a woman named Elizabeth Potts Weinstein. She wrote a blog the other day that was the Universe’s way of bending me over and spanking my ass. I am pretty sure the 4x4 bashing has ended now. *laugh*

Please read.

*Begin post*

Living Your Truth by Elizabeth Potts Weinstein

This is for those of you who are still holding back.

Who haven’t launched the business. Who have not put up that video. Who are not writing the blog posts. Who are not being themselves on twitter. Who are not hosting the event. Who haven’t started the book or created the art. Who aren’t yet consulting or coaching or teaching or dancing or speaking.

For those of you who are still hiding.

Because you don’t think of yourself as amazing as the guru or the girl who graduated from school the same day as you. Because you still have research or practice or courses to take. Because you need to learn the technology or buy a new computer or wait for the kids to start school. Because you’re not finished getting ready.

Because you don’t find yourself perfect.

Let me confirm your greatest fears.

You are not perfect.

You will make mistakes.

You will fail.

Some of what you launch will not work.

Some people will be mean.

Some people will be disappointed.

Not everyone will like you.

Yes. It sucks.

But.

There are people out there who need you.

Who are waiting for the unique truth you have to speak, for the brilliance you are destined, you are called to bring to this world. People whom only you can help.

And yet you are hiding?

You refuse to share your gifts with the world, just because you are not perfect? Because you are human? Because you don’t have ever answer to every question even invented, because you have flaws, because you are still growing and learning yourself?

Stop wasting yourself on all that crap.

Stop thinking. Stop researching. Stop analyzing.

Stop waiting.

Reveal yourself to the world.

Share your truth, your brilliance, your message. Surrender yourself to the perhaps tiny yet unserved segment of people on earth who will passionately resonate with your every word.

Open yourself up.

And let them love you.

That is all

What are you waiting for? What’s holding you back from the thing you know you want to do, you are meant to do?

*end post*

I am not going to add many words of my own. They would only clutter this moment.

I will add this: in the moments of transition over the last few years, I have learned this about myself:

I will never do anything in my life again “Because I am afraid no one else will ask”.

I am here. The right people will ask.

I am not perfect. I will fail. I will be disappointed in myself and others and occasionally the journey, some people will be mean, some people will ignore me, not everyone will like me….. But I am here. And as Joan of Arc said… “I am not afraid...I was born to do this"

To those of you that care.

Namaste.