Order Up

I was once asked “what I wanted” by a close friend and spiritual teacher during one of our sessions to work through one of the “I am stuck and don’t know what to do” moments we all experience. We were working on my feelings of not being able to ask for what I want, for feeling guilty for turning down “stale bread” in life.

Earlier that weekend she and I had gone to dinner together. My friend and I are both curvy blondes. Our waiter was a tall handsome 20-something black man, whom I imagine was pretty sure he was going to get a great tip when we were assigned his table. *grin* We were laughing and flirting… it was one of those fun girl moments. So, he finally asks what we will be having, and when it was my turn I very confidently, politely and without apology asked the waiter for what I would like for dinner, (complete with the dressing on the side, and no ice in my drink, thank you so much.) He made a joke about me liking medium-rare meat… and how he appreciated a woman who knew how to ask for what she really wants. And… I got exactly what I wanted for dinner, right?

As our cute waiter left, my friend teased me. “I love how you know what you want. It is always so good for me to go out with you.” She looked at me then, with the look of a sister, and quietly said: “I am so proud of you. I remember where you came from. And I see who you are becoming. And I am proud of you.” This woman has been one of my spiritual teachers, loudest cheerleaders and “most sacred secret” friend. She has stood by me through some of the darkest nights of my soul, and has celebrated with me many pure, sacred “ah-ha” moments. Her comment moved me to tears in a moment. We then had a moment to reflect with each other about the woman I was when she and I met almost eight years earlier. I had been living in a loveless marriage, practicing a religion I didn’t really believe in, and was an all around unhappy, fat woman.

She tells me again her part of the story of the day we met, and we have a moment of reflection together about so many of the thought processes I have learned to change in the last few years. Stopping suddenly, with a jog of memory, she asks about one of my best friends, who is also a former lover of mine. “He is well.” I answer quietly. She nods and said “Do you tell him often? The part he had in your development?” I quietly smile, and with tear-filled eyes say: “often.” She then reflects on conversations she and I have had regarding “Absolute Goddess” moments. (See a blog in a few weeks I hope!) I love this woman.

We finished our dinner without anything else relevant to this story other than the fact that the cute waiter was denied two phone numbers. *laugh* As we were walking out of the restaurant, she said slightly behind me… “DAMN…” I turned around and said “WHAT?” She said “you have an amazingly sexy butt!” I blushed to my hair line and she then teased me…” Do you remember when you used to look in the mirror and see… “Her”? I stopped and tearfully said “Yep”. She put her arm around me and said. “I like YOU much better.”

Later, during our session when I was trying again to work thru my own issues of inadequacy, she pointedly asked me: “What do you want? Just pretend I am your waiter; I am going to go drop your order in with the cosmic kitchen, order up… right? Tell me, what. You. Want.

I thought for a moment, then kind of blurted out something to the effect of “I live a big life. I have big dreams and a big family and … I want to be surrounded, not only by a man that has a big life of his own, but with other people who realize that one person isn’t what makes a big life, it is a bunch of powerful small people offering what they have and receiving what they need to be stronger.” We laughed. I was in a chemistry class at the time. I was creating covalent bonds I guess. But I have reflected on that many times… and, again today.

I have seen women do things that would KILL a man a hundred times over. I have DONE things as a strong woman that my male friends assure me would kill them in a moment.

Right around my 37th birthday, I got my first tattoo. It is, at the simplest of definitions, the symbol of The Goddess. It is on my left foot. I practice energy medicine. The left foot is our feminine side. I stamped myself a goddess. As I shared a sacred experience with my tattoo artist, I knew that I was committing to “step into” my life. And to “claim the mission I felt I had here”.

There are a lot of conversations on the “Fat Chick” lists (hey I can say that, fat is factual to me, not degrading) that center around women who “don’t know” how to feel sexy in their own bodies. What is so often renewed in me is the shock when I realize that “perfectly skinny” women are also unhappy about what they see. I want that to go away. Nothing is more infuriating to me to be standing next to a powerful woman who looks in the mirror and sees only her imperfections.

Now, before anyone thinks that I am preaching, I am not. I still feel totally insecure some days. I have mom boobs and stretch marks and freckles. Making peace with my fat doesn’t mean I wouldn’t turn down a tummy tuck and a boob lift if it was offered. I am not saying I am perfect. Or even that I feel perfect most days… I am just saying that I have been given the occasional gift of seeing myself through the eyes of someone ELSE who thinks I am beautiful. I am simply sharing part of the journey that has led me to being comfortable in my own skin. And I am hoping that other women can see the kinds of things that might make you happy enough to dare to refer to yourself as a “Goddess”.

Ok, deep breath, I really have other things I needed to be doing… but there is a gigantic “Foot of the Universe” on my back… and I guess I am about to decide if I can fly.

It doesn’t need to be clarified, but let it be known here, that I am one of the most heterosexual beings I know. My gay friends all say that too. *laugh* I just LOVE WOMEN. I am going to talk a lot about women and I am so grateful that I can blab here about this.

I have been thinking a lot about asking for what we really want... Cosmic Kitchen… Get out your friggin pad please…

“I want to be a motivational speaker. I think I am fun and I think that I am a decent writer. I have a lot of things to ‘say’ and am creating time to say them. My friends tell me I move them occasionally. *laugh* and I think I have learned a few small life lessons that might empower other people. That’s all. Thank you.” *deep breath… tears swimming… breathe*

Here is the conclusion I just came to. I REALLY like authentic people. People who are confident in self and who choose to live life big. If I fall flat on my face… I think there are a few people here that might do some aftercare. If I need a little up draft… I bet the people around me “flying” will blow me. *grin*

So… here is me, coming out of the closet. I want to be a motivational speaker and writer. I want to create a global network of like minded people who see the vision of creating confident happy women. I want to create a class about artistically celebrating our amazing bodies. I want to help people see the beauty in themselves that others see. I don’t know much else about how it will turn out… We will see what the kitchen brings, wont we.

Here is a beginning… we will see what it grows into.